[ there are days where sam can see the age in bucky's shoulders. not because of how he hunches, not because of some frail bending of his spine. if anything, it's the way bucky just keeps going, even when he's bent. even with the weight of every year those fuckers forced on him bearing down. sam has a lot of thoughts about what bucky is doing with his time, about how he's working through that weight on his shoulders, but he will not force. he's spent too long around too many other soldiers to know how poorly any of them react when pushed. and it's built up a habit in sam - to check, to ask, to bring up in words. even if it's casual, even if it's light.
and it's funny, looking back and noticing how light it's all become. because that's just it, that's what sam can't quite shake when he looks at bucky. the dark lines that had been under his eyes, the lost expression in his face. the way steve looked at him, broken and torn apart and stitched back together, and said we could do this. and then, because steve had said it, sam could say it too. bucky did not get special treatment from him. and sure, yes, the whole super power freak show was a new thing for sam at the time, but what better way to get involved than to just not care? not bring it up? bucky never scared sam, whether it was because of steve or because of what sam saw in those blue eyes when he finally got close enough to look. and thinking back on it now? seeing bucky barnes who is laughing so hard on his family boat that he may just tip over the edge. bucky barnes, who had looked so unsure when he asked if he could help. bucky barnes, who is here, who is here, and who sam couldn't want anywhere else.
he finishes his bottle, then, though the last bit of it gets caught in his throat as he find himself laughing again, spitting beer onto the floorboards in front of him as he coughs his way through, holding up a it's okay, i've got this hand just in case bucky thought it was anything more serious, and sam shakes his head. ] You... [ he coughs, again, but it's more of a laugh this time than it was before. ] Are a menace to society. Boats and helicopters- what next? Jet planes? You already destroyed my wings before, so we're not counting those. Tanks? [ sam shakes his head because now he's being ridiculous, and moves to toss the bottle into one of the empty boxes. it rattles, a satisfying sound, and for half a moment sam feels like his sixteen again. before he ran off to the air force. just sitting around, shooting the shit, sneaking beer while his parents weren't looking. it's a comforting feeling, but more than that it's a warm one. like bucky has always been right here, right in that seat, right across from him in the lousiana sunshine.
they're not really talking about anything, at this point. casual, easy conversation that sam can keep bouyed for days, if he needed to. but sam finds he doesn't really have to, because as he grabs the next bottle and settles back into his spot, bucky is laughing again. cracking open and pouring out a kind of noise that sam can't help but match. he wants to keep laughing, giggling around like they're kids hiding under the dock, and it takes a few seconds for them both to be able to breathe. bucky drags a hand down his face, says ma always said to make a strong first impression, and sam is suddenly a bit frozen to the spot. there's still a smile on his face, though it's something a bit more thoughtful, a bit warmer, a bit more thoughtful. he's struck by the feeling of it, of the moment that surrounds them both, and while everything in him is screaming don't make this a big deal, he also has to take into account the space. the time. he's invited bucky into his home, introduced him to sarah, the boys. they're sitting around, drinking beer, and laughing, and bucky. well. ]
I think that's the first time you've mentioned your Ma to me before. [ there are no expectations in his words. if anything, they're just a statement of fact. an observation that sam seems...pleased. proud. touched, almost, to be a part of. but that voice echoes again. don't make this a big deal. and so sam takes a breath. settles back against the edge of the boat and watches bucky for a second, just one, before he snorts another laugh. ] Now- I didn't know your Ma, but pretty sure she wasn't talking about literally ripping the steering wheel from someone's hand when she said that.
[ easing any possible silence bucky may fall into. bringing it back to neutral ground. but god, he wants to know. ]
[ sam doesn’t hunch. his broad shoulders are squared off, strong and unmoving. bucky thinks of the way sam carries himself like those shoulders are capable of carrying the weight of the universe while flying off into a sunset. he might actually be able too. sam can pick it up and eventually put it down. the way bucky carries himself is off - he tilts with his steps, a shoulder shift, because there was an arm attached to it that weighed five times more than one he was born with. now it’s only three times but the shoulder had to stop being flesh and bone completely. the damage is there, irreversible- weight impossible to put down. would likely damage further if he tried to do what sam could. he won’t carry himself like sam because he can’t. but he can keep up with him and not yield. there’s no extra pressure. he can keep pace on his own time. at least one person is checking that he won’t topple over without forcing a thing and that’s enough.
he doesn’t want to be anywhere else. sam put trust in him and in return has wormed his way into gaining an undying loyalty. it’s not servitude or anything one sided. mutual respect and enjoyment. an actual friend that makes him feel giddy and light like a good night out. sam insisted they needed a long vacation from each other but-
sam laughs hard enough that he spits and bucky sits straighter automatically, empty bottle placed to the side and watching to see if he’s needed before he goes to move in. still smiling but ready to take action had sam started choking or something. because his first instinct is that it would be something serious. the amount of times steve almost killed himself by suffocating... but you can’t coddle, over-worry. wait. there’s a hand up that everything is good from sam and slouches back down, easy smile on his face. laughing too much ] You’ve seen me wreck a jet, haven’t you? Those were jets on that thing, right? [ bucky pauses to consider it, smile shrinking and decides not to focus too hard on how he definitely shot a pilot and hijacked his plane. a few times.
he’s shakes his head, holding his hands up. back to light laughs. ] Yes but- hold on. The tanks I started on during the war. That’s approved of menacing. [ nazi tanks are a-okay. the bottle is grabbed back after there’s a clang from Sam’s landing in the box. bucky flips his in his hand then tosses it in after. it lands next to the other one - silent. show off.
his cheek is resting in his hand now, smiling with amusement. he doesn’t realize how it slipped out. the implications of it. not until sam points it out in a way that doesn’t seem so large. his eyes move off his shoes and back to him. the smile slips off completely into a thoughtful straight expression. he blinks - slow and long and puzzled. he looks back at sam’s shoes. when was the last time he mentioned his mother at all? it’s been a long time. he’s never shared much about his home life with anyone. therapy sessions tried to goad it out and all she got were basic factual answers anyone can find in the museum. ]
Huh. [ sam let’s it hang there with zero expectations. bucky sinks into quiet thoughts. sam moves on after a beat to continue their light-hearted nonsense to break it, he expects. bucky smiles lightly at the words but doesn’t reply for a moment more. there’s that excuse to talk... ]
Probably not what she meant, yeah. [ he nods to himself. quiet for another moment more. and then decides to keep going down that path. sam’s entire family, community- is out on display. heart on his sleeve and bucky’s been holding his own in for what feels like an eternity. he takes a deep breath then starts with words quieter than the ones said through laughter he just had. ]
Tough lady. I mean, had to. There were four of us. Hit me with a spoon a couple of times. Passed when- I think I was ... thirteen or something? [ he cups his hands together, rolling his thumbs around each other. he shrugs. his eyes find their way back to Sam, open. a small smile. go ahead. ask. ]
[ sam might be able to, maybe. he's worked his whole life learning how to stand up straight, to carry whatever it was that pushed down on him. it had been a prideful thing for his dad, when he was growing up. always keep your chin high and your sights higher. and that's what sam did - kept carrying on, shoulders square, reaching higher and higher until he literally needed wings to get to where he wanted to be. higher and higher, until riley fell. but maybe that was a lesson sam had to learn that his father didn't have for him, something that it took his own experiences, his own losses, to really wrap his head around. specifically, maybe, that he shouldn't be carrying this weight alone. and for all of bucky's crooked walks and tilted shoulders, he had the strength and he has the stamina and sam has found, over these last few weeks, that maybe sharing this weight isn't as hard as he thought if he had someone else by his side.
the shield is back up at the house, unceremoniously leaned up against the doorframe of the living room, because sam couldn't store it in his room. the shield isn't even his (again). not really. no decisions have been made and no titles have been taken and for all that bucky's wakandan delivery acts as the loudest box in the county, sam hasn't fully accepted what is happening. hasn't really, fully, decided that this is what he wants to do. but maybe steve had the right idea - maybe a captain america does need a bucky barnes. or maybe it's just sam wilson who does.
bucky sits up when sam starts to cough just like he knew he would, and sam waves him off. pulls himself back together and then starts laughing, again, when bucky mentions the jets. ]Okay, fine, over-achiever. Yes- I'm pretty sure you destroyed the entire S.H.I.E.L.D airbase, but we took down the Helicarriers, thank you. [ sam can see bucky trip up, the smile falling and tension filling the space, and sam pauses - just for long enough to see if bucky's going to settle there, or if the lightness of the evening is going to win out. and maybe, just maybe, sam shouldn't feel as proud, or relieved, or whatever it is he feels, seeing bucky shake his head and laugh again. whatever the feeling is, it fills sam's chest with the same sort of warmth left in the air between them.
bucky mentions approved of menacing and sam opens his mouth to argue, or contradict, or say something - but it's that exact moment that bucky flips his bottle and tosses it into the box next to sam's empty bottle, and anything sam wanted to say leaves him in a rush, instead leaving room for - ] Are you kidding me? Show off. [ because they're always on the same page, aren't they? even in this. even now.
and then it is the moment, when sam takes a leap of faith. jumps right on out of the plane and into the open air, waiting for the moment that his wings will catch. that is the feeling sam has watching the smile fade from bucky's face, but rather than seeing something close back up again, get filed back into a room that sam doesn't have access to fully yet, he sees something else. something he thinks is thoughtful, something he thinks is complicated. the silence feels like it stretches out forever, sam's very own heart rate slowing to match the gentle rocking of the waves.
huh.
that is the moment that sam starts to question - if he should fill the space, if he should give bucky a way out. he doesn't want to turn all of this into an interrogation - if bucky doesn't want to say anything more, he doesn't have to. it's why he supplies the follow-up. why, even now, he's prepared to derail the conversation entirely. but before sam could continue, before the words make it out to shift the focus away, bucky speaks. not just speaks, but shares. don't make this a big deal the voice echoes again, but sam is entranced. isn't even sure he breathes.
it's not until bucky finishes, looking back over to sam with a small smile, that sam feels his heart start back up again. feels himself breathe. the weight of the moment is still heavy in the air, but it feels less like a burden and more like a comfort. bucky looks over to him and sam looks back to him, holding the eye contact for another moment or so, seeing the permission there. ]
I'm sorry. [ sam knows what it feels like to lose a mother. while he'd been a little older than thirteen, the loss never really goes away. not when it comes to mothers. to half of the name of the boat under their very feet. bucky has basically told him to go ahead, to ask, and he nearly feels paralyzed by the chance. ]
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and it's funny, looking back and noticing how light it's all become. because that's just it, that's what sam can't quite shake when he looks at bucky. the dark lines that had been under his eyes, the lost expression in his face. the way steve looked at him, broken and torn apart and stitched back together, and said we could do this. and then, because steve had said it, sam could say it too. bucky did not get special treatment from him. and sure, yes, the whole super power freak show was a new thing for sam at the time, but what better way to get involved than to just not care? not bring it up? bucky never scared sam, whether it was because of steve or because of what sam saw in those blue eyes when he finally got close enough to look. and thinking back on it now? seeing bucky barnes who is laughing so hard on his family boat that he may just tip over the edge. bucky barnes, who had looked so unsure when he asked if he could help. bucky barnes, who is here, who is here, and who sam couldn't want anywhere else.
he finishes his bottle, then, though the last bit of it gets caught in his throat as he find himself laughing again, spitting beer onto the floorboards in front of him as he coughs his way through, holding up a it's okay, i've got this hand just in case bucky thought it was anything more serious, and sam shakes his head. ] You... [ he coughs, again, but it's more of a laugh this time than it was before. ] Are a menace to society. Boats and helicopters- what next? Jet planes? You already destroyed my wings before, so we're not counting those. Tanks? [ sam shakes his head because now he's being ridiculous, and moves to toss the bottle into one of the empty boxes. it rattles, a satisfying sound, and for half a moment sam feels like his sixteen again. before he ran off to the air force. just sitting around, shooting the shit, sneaking beer while his parents weren't looking. it's a comforting feeling, but more than that it's a warm one. like bucky has always been right here, right in that seat, right across from him in the lousiana sunshine.
they're not really talking about anything, at this point. casual, easy conversation that sam can keep bouyed for days, if he needed to. but sam finds he doesn't really have to, because as he grabs the next bottle and settles back into his spot, bucky is laughing again. cracking open and pouring out a kind of noise that sam can't help but match. he wants to keep laughing, giggling around like they're kids hiding under the dock, and it takes a few seconds for them both to be able to breathe. bucky drags a hand down his face, says ma always said to make a strong first impression, and sam is suddenly a bit frozen to the spot. there's still a smile on his face, though it's something a bit more thoughtful, a bit warmer, a bit more thoughtful. he's struck by the feeling of it, of the moment that surrounds them both, and while everything in him is screaming don't make this a big deal, he also has to take into account the space. the time. he's invited bucky into his home, introduced him to sarah, the boys. they're sitting around, drinking beer, and laughing, and bucky. well. ]
I think that's the first time you've mentioned your Ma to me before. [ there are no expectations in his words. if anything, they're just a statement of fact. an observation that sam seems...pleased. proud. touched, almost, to be a part of. but that voice echoes again. don't make this a big deal. and so sam takes a breath. settles back against the edge of the boat and watches bucky for a second, just one, before he snorts another laugh. ] Now- I didn't know your Ma, but pretty sure she wasn't talking about literally ripping the steering wheel from someone's hand when she said that.
[ easing any possible silence bucky may fall into. bringing it back to neutral ground. but god, he wants to know. ]
no subject
he doesn’t want to be anywhere else. sam put trust in him and in return has wormed his way into gaining an undying loyalty. it’s not servitude or anything one sided. mutual respect and enjoyment. an actual friend that makes him feel giddy and light like a good night out. sam insisted they needed a long vacation from each other but-
sam laughs hard enough that he spits and bucky sits straighter automatically, empty bottle placed to the side and watching to see if he’s needed before he goes to move in. still smiling but ready to take action had sam started choking or something. because his first instinct is that it would be something serious. the amount of times steve almost killed himself by suffocating... but you can’t coddle, over-worry. wait. there’s a hand up that everything is good from sam and slouches back down, easy smile on his face. laughing too much ] You’ve seen me wreck a jet, haven’t you? Those were jets on that thing, right? [ bucky pauses to consider it, smile shrinking and decides not to focus too hard on how he definitely shot a pilot and hijacked his plane. a few times.
he’s shakes his head, holding his hands up. back to light laughs. ] Yes but- hold on. The tanks I started on during the war. That’s approved of menacing. [ nazi tanks are a-okay. the bottle is grabbed back after there’s a clang from Sam’s landing in the box. bucky flips his in his hand then tosses it in after. it lands next to the other one - silent. show off.
his cheek is resting in his hand now, smiling with amusement. he doesn’t realize how it slipped out. the implications of it. not until sam points it out in a way that doesn’t seem so large. his eyes move off his shoes and back to him. the smile slips off completely into a thoughtful straight expression. he blinks - slow and long and puzzled. he looks back at sam’s shoes. when was the last time he mentioned his mother at all? it’s been a long time. he’s never shared much about his home life with anyone. therapy sessions tried to goad it out and all she got were basic factual answers anyone can find in the museum. ]
Huh. [ sam let’s it hang there with zero expectations. bucky sinks into quiet thoughts. sam moves on after a beat to continue their light-hearted nonsense to break it, he expects. bucky smiles lightly at the words but doesn’t reply for a moment more. there’s that excuse to talk... ]
Probably not what she meant, yeah. [ he nods to himself. quiet for another moment more. and then decides to keep going down that path. sam’s entire family, community- is out on display. heart on his sleeve and bucky’s been holding his own in for what feels like an eternity. he takes a deep breath then starts with words quieter than the ones said through laughter he just had. ]
Tough lady. I mean, had to. There were four of us. Hit me with a spoon a couple of times. Passed when- I think I was ... thirteen or something? [ he cups his hands together, rolling his thumbs around each other. he shrugs. his eyes find their way back to Sam, open. a small smile. go ahead. ask. ]
no subject
the shield is back up at the house, unceremoniously leaned up against the doorframe of the living room, because sam couldn't store it in his room. the shield isn't even his (again). not really. no decisions have been made and no titles have been taken and for all that bucky's wakandan delivery acts as the loudest box in the county, sam hasn't fully accepted what is happening. hasn't really, fully, decided that this is what he wants to do. but maybe steve had the right idea - maybe a captain america does need a bucky barnes. or maybe it's just sam wilson who does.
bucky sits up when sam starts to cough just like he knew he would, and sam waves him off. pulls himself back together and then starts laughing, again, when bucky mentions the jets. ]Okay, fine, over-achiever. Yes- I'm pretty sure you destroyed the entire S.H.I.E.L.D airbase, but we took down the Helicarriers, thank you. [ sam can see bucky trip up, the smile falling and tension filling the space, and sam pauses - just for long enough to see if bucky's going to settle there, or if the lightness of the evening is going to win out. and maybe, just maybe, sam shouldn't feel as proud, or relieved, or whatever it is he feels, seeing bucky shake his head and laugh again. whatever the feeling is, it fills sam's chest with the same sort of warmth left in the air between them.
bucky mentions approved of menacing and sam opens his mouth to argue, or contradict, or say something - but it's that exact moment that bucky flips his bottle and tosses it into the box next to sam's empty bottle, and anything sam wanted to say leaves him in a rush, instead leaving room for - ] Are you kidding me? Show off. [ because they're always on the same page, aren't they? even in this. even now.
and then it is the moment, when sam takes a leap of faith. jumps right on out of the plane and into the open air, waiting for the moment that his wings will catch. that is the feeling sam has watching the smile fade from bucky's face, but rather than seeing something close back up again, get filed back into a room that sam doesn't have access to fully yet, he sees something else. something he thinks is thoughtful, something he thinks is complicated. the silence feels like it stretches out forever, sam's very own heart rate slowing to match the gentle rocking of the waves.
huh.
that is the moment that sam starts to question - if he should fill the space, if he should give bucky a way out. he doesn't want to turn all of this into an interrogation - if bucky doesn't want to say anything more, he doesn't have to. it's why he supplies the follow-up. why, even now, he's prepared to derail the conversation entirely. but before sam could continue, before the words make it out to shift the focus away, bucky speaks. not just speaks, but shares. don't make this a big deal the voice echoes again, but sam is entranced. isn't even sure he breathes.
it's not until bucky finishes, looking back over to sam with a small smile, that sam feels his heart start back up again. feels himself breathe. the weight of the moment is still heavy in the air, but it feels less like a burden and more like a comfort. bucky looks over to him and sam looks back to him, holding the eye contact for another moment or so, seeing the permission there. ]
I'm sorry. [ sam knows what it feels like to lose a mother. while he'd been a little older than thirteen, the loss never really goes away. not when it comes to mothers. to half of the name of the boat under their very feet. bucky has basically told him to go ahead, to ask, and he nearly feels paralyzed by the chance. ]
What was her name?