[ sam might get it, to an extent, but what he doesn't get? is that bucky doesn't feel that he gets it, and he needs to. he desperately needs to feel that someone gets it, someone gets him. everyone who's ever loved him is gone, and he's riddled with too much guilt to really try and make anyone see his side of things, to stand up for himself when lines get crossed around him left and right (they pardoned the bionic staring machine, and he killed almost everyone he met it rings in his ears, repeated, reminding him what he is in the eyes of the people around him - even the good ones, even the ones who mostly see him as good and a person.
he's always going to be the winter soldier, isn't he? and no amount of rehearsed speeches telling people I am no longer the winter soldier is going to change that. because he was the man behind the mask, and that's all the world will ever let him be. justifiably? maybe, he doesn't know. he's a little too close to it to render a sound judgement). sam wants him to approach, to make the first move, to ask for help, but what he doesn't get? is that bucky doesn't feel safe doing that with him, and it's not all down to his trauma.
sam might get it, but he keeps that understanding a little too close to his chest sometimes. it's a big leap of faith for bucky, to open up, and big leaps have, historically, not worked out great for him.
it's not that anger serves bucky any better, it's just that anger -- it's the emotion he allows himself to express. can he express his heartbreak, over the life he lost the things that were done to him, the things he's done, and steve walking away from him in the end? of course not. it's disrespectful to the people he's hurt, it's disrespectful to steve - and he may have a whole laundry list of faults, but he has never disrespected steve, or not accepted one of his choices in the most supportive manner possible. can he express his shame? his pain? his sadness? no, no, no. so what does he have left?
anger. it's anger. it's all he's got.
bucky resists the urge to roll his eyes at that particular zing. he's got things to say about it, but hey, he's not a good communicator, right? he doesn't have to say anything. so instead, he busies himself by getting the plates - he knows where those are, now, after all - and back to his spot leaning against the wall, where he gets a good view of sam doing his work - and zemo's door. if he's eavesdropping, he's at least making himself work for it, because there's no sign of the guy.
good. bucky prides himself on having pretty good anger management skills all things considered, but his grip on it isn't the best tonight.
this is the winter soldier's position; defensive, a good view of his environment, ready to pounce at a moment's notice. and the thing is? it's so instinctual for him to get in it at this point, it's no longer even a conscious decision. I am no longer the winter soldier - maybe. but the winter soldier is as alive in bucky as bucky was in it, and the lack of regular mind-wipes render it more expressive. ]
[ maybe that's one of sam's faults. because sam has them. faults and mistakes and things he's done that he could have done better. mistakes that he doesn't even realize he's made and others that follow him into those dark nights. he sees the faces of fellow soldiers, people he's failed to help. maybe he shouldn't have said it all, but sam has a nasty habit of taking those leaps of faith, again and again. maybe he should be more explicit that he's trying to bridge this gap with bucky, maybe he should try more, better. he's already failed on that end, could have done more, been better. could have kept the shield and saved them all a lot of heartache. himself a lot of heartache.
( could have stopped himself from feeling like he's failed steve. )
so sam, instead, just tries to do his thing. he and bucky don't get along, and while the bigger part of him is fine to ignore that and just keep trucking, there is a part that wants to push. wants to ask. wants to keep bucky there and keep him talking and maybe, just maybe, if given the time, bucky doesn't have to leap. that maybe, after working and working, slowly but surely, it's become a step, rather than a leap at all. or at the very least, give bucky the opportunity to make the step, rather than any leap. rather than any potential for falling.
granted - sam may not be the best person to ask about that, given his propensity for leaping. for jumping off ledges and waiting for his wings to catch him on the way down.
and yes, there is a part of him that maybe, possibly, should second guess that. maybe he should think about the people he's lost, or almost lost. about the people no longer with him.
sam could say more. sam could keep picking at bucky until he finally gives. he knows that he annoys bucky, just as bucky annoys and frustrates him in return. there's always been a back and forth between them, and that's probably why sam is even here, still. it's also probably why sam feels like he can get a sense of where bucky's head is. not entirely, he isn't sure he'll ever be able to read bucky's mid, or if he ever really wants to. but he can sense something there. something under the surface that bucky hasn't shaken for the night. something off.
but sam isn't going to push. or at least - he's not going to push yet. if at all.
bucky gets the plates and sets them down, and sam nods, mutters a quick - ] Thanks, man. [ because he is thankful. for bucky's place, for his help, for him moving without sam asking. then he moves to stand back into his spot. defensive stance, watching the room and the door and everything else in between. it's protective, in bucky's own weird way. defensive. paranoid. but overall, sam doesn't see any harm in that, so sam lets him without comment.
over the next few minutes, sam simply gets to work. he works with the food. he hums to himself. bucky is in the corner, doing his staring thing, but sam lets him, this time.
then - when all is said and done - sam plates two dishes, with a little left over if sharon or zemo rises - and picks up both of them, walking one over to bucky and holding it out for bucky to take. and when he does, sam leans back against the island, getting comfortable, as he takes a bite - thinking for a moment, judging his own creation, and then shrugging. ]
[ human beings make mistakes, be weird if they didn't. bucky wouldn't trust a person who didn't, not in a million years, because that's not a person.
provided it was given orders that allowed it wiggle room to get the job done its own way, the winter soldier didn't make mistakes. it was only ever limited by its handlers. really, bucky should be grateful that pierce didn't instruct him to kill fury, kill captain america, and ended it there. if those were the winter soldier's mission parameters, both would have been dead now, along with countless millions of potential hydra resistance, and he would still be buried somewhere down deep in hydra's programing. hell, thanos maybe would've skipped their planet, hydra would have already done the job for him.
but that wasn't what pierce said. he thought he was clever. rumlow, thought he was clever. they thought they knew better, that their broad daylight tactics were more effective than the winter soldier's shadow skulking, which it's been made for, trained for, for decades. they thought they had to keep an eye on it around steve - not a bad instinct - but in doing so, allowed it time with the man.
human beings make mistakes. machines don't. so all in all, bucky greatly prefers a fuck up here and there, even if it hurts, even if it pushes at his raw nerves, even if he thinks there's nothing clever or funny about bringing up his victims as a zinger. there's a greater chance of him eventually trusting, inching closer to coming to, a human being who fucked up a couple times, than a machine that handled it all perfectly.
granted, clearing 'o chance' is a low bar. but it's not that sam exclusively fucks up. he trusted bucky when bucky sprang zemo. he goes to sleep in the sam room with him without appearing to worry he'll never wake up again. he turns his back to him, not appearing to worry it's the last mistake he'll ever make. he isn't jumpy around him. they're all things bucky appreciates. but the thing he appreciates most of all?
he's still here. despite his anger, even during the worst of it, he didn't threaten to disappear on him now, to cut him out. we never have to see each other after this mission. bucky would fight the battle he needs to fight either way, but sam's not making him go at it alone, and that's not nothing.
it's actually quite a lot.
but today was a rough day. today sucked. having to pretend he was a thing again on its own would have been enough. but no, he also had to follow zemo's orders of all people. zemo. the man who made him ruin steve's life. who nearly had him killing steve with his own bare hands. and sam. zemo, who's constantly pocking and prodding at him, trying to pull the winter soldier back out into the light. he won't admit to sam that he's scared, because facing zemo - it's something he needs. he has to know that he can stand up to it, that he can take the manipulation without cracking. if he doesn't test himself, he'll never trust himself. bucky is playing the highest stakes game of poker with zemo. today, he took a beating.
but the game's not over yet.
bucky watches sam work with disguised interest. he never really got to see how to work in a kitchen; he was always shooed out by his mother, their kitchen was small, and it wasn't his place. he was only ever called back in when it was time to do the dishes or take the trash out.
now, he's living all on his own, and he's pretty helpless in this field. yes, he knows, there's a shocking number of cooking shows and more recipes online to follow than he knows where to start with. but he's not used to learning from a screen. everything he's learned in life as himself - has been from another person who was right there in the room with him. or outdoors. in his space, okay, gees.
he mutters a quiet ] Thanks. [ when sam hands him the plate, and digs right in.
bucky didn't exaggerate, when he said he'd eat anything solid. hell, if he had no other choice and it was another day, he would have even swallowed the bad memories and downed a protein shake. food is food, and you don't waste it.
but this is actually pretty good. it's not at all nostalgic, but it also doesn't remind him of his time at hydra, and today? he'll take it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he's always going to be the winter soldier, isn't he? and no amount of rehearsed speeches telling people I am no longer the winter soldier is going to change that. because he was the man behind the mask, and that's all the world will ever let him be. justifiably? maybe, he doesn't know. he's a little too close to it to render a sound judgement). sam wants him to approach, to make the first move, to ask for help, but what he doesn't get? is that bucky doesn't feel safe doing that with him, and it's not all down to his trauma.
sam might get it, but he keeps that understanding a little too close to his chest sometimes. it's a big leap of faith for bucky, to open up, and big leaps have, historically, not worked out great for him.
it's not that anger serves bucky any better, it's just that anger -- it's the emotion he allows himself to express. can he express his heartbreak, over the life he lost the things that were done to him, the things he's done, and steve walking away from him in the end? of course not. it's disrespectful to the people he's hurt, it's disrespectful to steve - and he may have a whole laundry list of faults, but he has never disrespected steve, or not accepted one of his choices in the most supportive manner possible. can he express his shame? his pain? his sadness? no, no, no. so what does he have left?
anger. it's anger. it's all he's got.
bucky resists the urge to roll his eyes at that particular zing. he's got things to say about it, but hey, he's not a good communicator, right? he doesn't have to say anything. so instead, he busies himself by getting the plates - he knows where those are, now, after all - and back to his spot leaning against the wall, where he gets a good view of sam doing his work - and zemo's door. if he's eavesdropping, he's at least making himself work for it, because there's no sign of the guy.
good. bucky prides himself on having pretty good anger management skills all things considered, but his grip on it isn't the best tonight.
this is the winter soldier's position; defensive, a good view of his environment, ready to pounce at a moment's notice. and the thing is? it's so instinctual for him to get in it at this point, it's no longer even a conscious decision. I am no longer the winter soldier - maybe. but the winter soldier is as alive in bucky as bucky was in it, and the lack of regular mind-wipes render it more expressive. ]
no subject
( could have stopped himself from feeling like he's failed steve. )
so sam, instead, just tries to do his thing. he and bucky don't get along, and while the bigger part of him is fine to ignore that and just keep trucking, there is a part that wants to push. wants to ask. wants to keep bucky there and keep him talking and maybe, just maybe, if given the time, bucky doesn't have to leap. that maybe, after working and working, slowly but surely, it's become a step, rather than a leap at all. or at the very least, give bucky the opportunity to make the step, rather than any leap. rather than any potential for falling.
granted - sam may not be the best person to ask about that, given his propensity for leaping. for jumping off ledges and waiting for his wings to catch him on the way down.
and yes, there is a part of him that maybe, possibly, should second guess that. maybe he should think about the people he's lost, or almost lost. about the people no longer with him.
sam could say more. sam could keep picking at bucky until he finally gives. he knows that he annoys bucky, just as bucky annoys and frustrates him in return. there's always been a back and forth between them, and that's probably why sam is even here, still. it's also probably why sam feels like he can get a sense of where bucky's head is. not entirely, he isn't sure he'll ever be able to read bucky's mid, or if he ever really wants to. but he can sense something there. something under the surface that bucky hasn't shaken for the night. something off.
but sam isn't going to push. or at least - he's not going to push yet. if at all.
bucky gets the plates and sets them down, and sam nods, mutters a quick - ] Thanks, man. [ because he is thankful. for bucky's place, for his help, for him moving without sam asking. then he moves to stand back into his spot. defensive stance, watching the room and the door and everything else in between. it's protective, in bucky's own weird way. defensive. paranoid. but overall, sam doesn't see any harm in that, so sam lets him without comment.
over the next few minutes, sam simply gets to work. he works with the food. he hums to himself. bucky is in the corner, doing his staring thing, but sam lets him, this time.
then - when all is said and done - sam plates two dishes, with a little left over if sharon or zemo rises - and picks up both of them, walking one over to bucky and holding it out for bucky to take. and when he does, sam leans back against the island, getting comfortable, as he takes a bite - thinking for a moment, judging his own creation, and then shrugging. ]
Not bad, for what I had.
no subject
provided it was given orders that allowed it wiggle room to get the job done its own way, the winter soldier didn't make mistakes. it was only ever limited by its handlers. really, bucky should be grateful that pierce didn't instruct him to kill fury, kill captain america, and ended it there. if those were the winter soldier's mission parameters, both would have been dead now, along with countless millions of potential hydra resistance, and he would still be buried somewhere down deep in hydra's programing. hell, thanos maybe would've skipped their planet, hydra would have already done the job for him.
but that wasn't what pierce said. he thought he was clever. rumlow, thought he was clever. they thought they knew better, that their broad daylight tactics were more effective than the winter soldier's shadow skulking, which it's been made for, trained for, for decades. they thought they had to keep an eye on it around steve - not a bad instinct - but in doing so, allowed it time with the man.
human beings make mistakes. machines don't. so all in all, bucky greatly prefers a fuck up here and there, even if it hurts, even if it pushes at his raw nerves, even if he thinks there's nothing clever or funny about bringing up his victims as a zinger. there's a greater chance of him eventually trusting, inching closer to coming to, a human being who fucked up a couple times, than a machine that handled it all perfectly.
granted, clearing 'o chance' is a low bar. but it's not that sam exclusively fucks up. he trusted bucky when bucky sprang zemo. he goes to sleep in the sam room with him without appearing to worry he'll never wake up again. he turns his back to him, not appearing to worry it's the last mistake he'll ever make. he isn't jumpy around him. they're all things bucky appreciates. but the thing he appreciates most of all?
he's still here. despite his anger, even during the worst of it, he didn't threaten to disappear on him now, to cut him out. we never have to see each other after this mission. bucky would fight the battle he needs to fight either way, but sam's not making him go at it alone, and that's not nothing.
it's actually quite a lot.
but today was a rough day. today sucked. having to pretend he was a thing again on its own would have been enough. but no, he also had to follow zemo's orders of all people. zemo. the man who made him ruin steve's life. who nearly had him killing steve with his own bare hands. and sam. zemo, who's constantly pocking and prodding at him, trying to pull the winter soldier back out into the light. he won't admit to sam that he's scared, because facing zemo - it's something he needs. he has to know that he can stand up to it, that he can take the manipulation without cracking. if he doesn't test himself, he'll never trust himself. bucky is playing the highest stakes game of poker with zemo. today, he took a beating.
but the game's not over yet.
bucky watches sam work with disguised interest. he never really got to see how to work in a kitchen; he was always shooed out by his mother, their kitchen was small, and it wasn't his place. he was only ever called back in when it was time to do the dishes or take the trash out.
now, he's living all on his own, and he's pretty helpless in this field. yes, he knows, there's a shocking number of cooking shows and more recipes online to follow than he knows where to start with. but he's not used to learning from a screen. everything he's learned in life as himself - has been from another person who was right there in the room with him. or outdoors. in his space, okay, gees.
he mutters a quiet ] Thanks. [ when sam hands him the plate, and digs right in.
bucky didn't exaggerate, when he said he'd eat anything solid. hell, if he had no other choice and it was another day, he would have even swallowed the bad memories and downed a protein shake. food is food, and you don't waste it.
but this is actually pretty good. it's not at all nostalgic, but it also doesn't remind him of his time at hydra, and today? he'll take it. ]
What is it? [ he asks between big bites. ]