[ sam might get it, to an extent, but what he doesn't get? is that bucky doesn't feel that he gets it, and he needs to. he desperately needs to feel that someone gets it, someone gets him. everyone who's ever loved him is gone, and he's riddled with too much guilt to really try and make anyone see his side of things, to stand up for himself when lines get crossed around him left and right (they pardoned the bionic staring machine, and he killed almost everyone he met it rings in his ears, repeated, reminding him what he is in the eyes of the people around him - even the good ones, even the ones who mostly see him as good and a person.
he's always going to be the winter soldier, isn't he? and no amount of rehearsed speeches telling people I am no longer the winter soldier is going to change that. because he was the man behind the mask, and that's all the world will ever let him be. justifiably? maybe, he doesn't know. he's a little too close to it to render a sound judgement). sam wants him to approach, to make the first move, to ask for help, but what he doesn't get? is that bucky doesn't feel safe doing that with him, and it's not all down to his trauma.
sam might get it, but he keeps that understanding a little too close to his chest sometimes. it's a big leap of faith for bucky, to open up, and big leaps have, historically, not worked out great for him.
it's not that anger serves bucky any better, it's just that anger -- it's the emotion he allows himself to express. can he express his heartbreak, over the life he lost the things that were done to him, the things he's done, and steve walking away from him in the end? of course not. it's disrespectful to the people he's hurt, it's disrespectful to steve - and he may have a whole laundry list of faults, but he has never disrespected steve, or not accepted one of his choices in the most supportive manner possible. can he express his shame? his pain? his sadness? no, no, no. so what does he have left?
anger. it's anger. it's all he's got.
bucky resists the urge to roll his eyes at that particular zing. he's got things to say about it, but hey, he's not a good communicator, right? he doesn't have to say anything. so instead, he busies himself by getting the plates - he knows where those are, now, after all - and back to his spot leaning against the wall, where he gets a good view of sam doing his work - and zemo's door. if he's eavesdropping, he's at least making himself work for it, because there's no sign of the guy.
good. bucky prides himself on having pretty good anger management skills all things considered, but his grip on it isn't the best tonight.
this is the winter soldier's position; defensive, a good view of his environment, ready to pounce at a moment's notice. and the thing is? it's so instinctual for him to get in it at this point, it's no longer even a conscious decision. I am no longer the winter soldier - maybe. but the winter soldier is as alive in bucky as bucky was in it, and the lack of regular mind-wipes render it more expressive. ]
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he's always going to be the winter soldier, isn't he? and no amount of rehearsed speeches telling people I am no longer the winter soldier is going to change that. because he was the man behind the mask, and that's all the world will ever let him be. justifiably? maybe, he doesn't know. he's a little too close to it to render a sound judgement). sam wants him to approach, to make the first move, to ask for help, but what he doesn't get? is that bucky doesn't feel safe doing that with him, and it's not all down to his trauma.
sam might get it, but he keeps that understanding a little too close to his chest sometimes. it's a big leap of faith for bucky, to open up, and big leaps have, historically, not worked out great for him.
it's not that anger serves bucky any better, it's just that anger -- it's the emotion he allows himself to express. can he express his heartbreak, over the life he lost the things that were done to him, the things he's done, and steve walking away from him in the end? of course not. it's disrespectful to the people he's hurt, it's disrespectful to steve - and he may have a whole laundry list of faults, but he has never disrespected steve, or not accepted one of his choices in the most supportive manner possible. can he express his shame? his pain? his sadness? no, no, no. so what does he have left?
anger. it's anger. it's all he's got.
bucky resists the urge to roll his eyes at that particular zing. he's got things to say about it, but hey, he's not a good communicator, right? he doesn't have to say anything. so instead, he busies himself by getting the plates - he knows where those are, now, after all - and back to his spot leaning against the wall, where he gets a good view of sam doing his work - and zemo's door. if he's eavesdropping, he's at least making himself work for it, because there's no sign of the guy.
good. bucky prides himself on having pretty good anger management skills all things considered, but his grip on it isn't the best tonight.
this is the winter soldier's position; defensive, a good view of his environment, ready to pounce at a moment's notice. and the thing is? it's so instinctual for him to get in it at this point, it's no longer even a conscious decision. I am no longer the winter soldier - maybe. but the winter soldier is as alive in bucky as bucky was in it, and the lack of regular mind-wipes render it more expressive. ]