[ god no. the nightmares about the winter soldier, they're one thing. he doesn't like talking about those - who the hell would? but they're no secret, especially not from sam. sam's seen his past - live, up close, and in color. and he could easily lie, bring up one of the many that haunt him - but what would be the gain in that? he's not exactly eager to talk about those either, if he was, he'd answer every time the doc asks about them.
but this one? that fear that he really is irredeemable, that steve really was wrong to believe in him, that he's so far gone - that if steve were here, even he'd see it now? no, bucky's not ready to bring that one up again, and especially not here, not anywhere near zemo.
if the fear is justified, if it is true, if that rejection is coming, he's not giving that sonofabitch the satisfaction of witnessing his downfall. a part of him argues that there's no way sam would be cooperating with him if he thought he was bad - that they probably wouldn't even need to hire a real pr guy for throwing the winter soldier back behind bars and letting him rot for the rest of his life, so the fact that he's being permitted to roam free, that sam is here by his side, seeing this through with him - it means something. but the rest of him, it's still buried too deep under the guilt, the doubt, the fear, the self loathing, to even hear it. ]
no subject
[ god no. the nightmares about the winter soldier, they're one thing. he doesn't like talking about those - who the hell would? but they're no secret, especially not from sam. sam's seen his past - live, up close, and in color. and he could easily lie, bring up one of the many that haunt him - but what would be the gain in that? he's not exactly eager to talk about those either, if he was, he'd answer every time the doc asks about them.
but this one? that fear that he really is irredeemable, that steve really was wrong to believe in him, that he's so far gone - that if steve were here, even he'd see it now? no, bucky's not ready to bring that one up again, and especially not here, not anywhere near zemo.
if the fear is justified, if it is true, if that rejection is coming, he's not giving that sonofabitch the satisfaction of witnessing his downfall. a part of him argues that there's no way sam would be cooperating with him if he thought he was bad - that they probably wouldn't even need to hire a real pr guy for throwing the winter soldier back behind bars and letting him rot for the rest of his life, so the fact that he's being permitted to roam free, that sam is here by his side, seeing this through with him - it means something. but the rest of him, it's still buried too deep under the guilt, the doubt, the fear, the self loathing, to even hear it. ]